I'm laying in your front yard are you home
I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
Four minutes until I can fart!
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
We need a shit load of segways right now
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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