I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
