I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
