I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
Randomize
