I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
