i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
