I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
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