In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
we're chasing vodka with high fives
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
Randomize
