My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
bring money and cleavage
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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