How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
