Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
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