I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
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