how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
