Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
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