First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Randomize
