There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
