Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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