$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Randomize
