i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Randomize
