Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
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