Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
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