Did you just see the Batmobile???
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
I wish there were birth control emojis
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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