508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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