i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
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