Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
