Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize
