He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Randomize
