All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize
