you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Randomize