hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
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