i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
