WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
