So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
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