I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Randomize
