I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
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