Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
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