Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
