I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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