my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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