Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
Free beer happened. I got hammered and aaron did his first keg stand. Then went all martha stewart on redecorating the bathroom. I remember being at walmart
What theme did he decide on for the bathroom?
Well as you know martha loves the northeast this time of year. I believe the theme was 'coney island' decorrated with hot dogs and macaroni
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Randomize
