At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
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