Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Randomize
