If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
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