dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
His nipple licking is glorious
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