he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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