Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Randomize
