if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
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