I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Randomize
