I like to think it a success when the cops are called
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Question. If Kwik Trip and Kum and Go were to merge, what would they call it? Kwik Kum or Kum Kwik?
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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