Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Randomize
