I think scott just propositioned me for sex
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
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