I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
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