i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
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