He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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