Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
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