The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
