Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
