puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
