There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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