You're a womanizer and a bitch.
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
I just sucked dick on a ferry
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