dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
